Hazelnuts: The Devil's Food
Hazelnuts: The Devil's Food
I’m not sure when it happened, but hazelnuts are everywhere. Coffee. Cakes. Candy. And not just in “C” words. Spice blends. Salads. Crunchy coatings — we’re back to “C.”
Enough already. Stop with the flipping filberts!
My son calls raisins the “the Devil’s food.” I disagree.
My name is Paige and I’m a hazelnut hater.
I don’t say this lightly. Nutella’s marketing team has done such an amazing job that these chalky, milky, often rancid-tasting little nuggets are inescapable. Look at the candy rack the next time you check out — there will be at least four bars studded or stuffed with hazelnuts. You can’t go into a coffee shop without smelling the hazelnut syrup. Every restaurant has at least one hazelnut dessert. And now they are invading savoury foods — hazelnut-crusted halibut, dipping dukkah, salad toppings …
I don’t understand it. Almonds are prettier (a classic shape and perfect toasty-brown colour), tastier (almond croissant, green bean almondine, Moroccan Pastilla), more versatile (savoury, sweet, toasted, raw, chopped, whole), and cheaper!
Speaking of cheap — let’s talk peanuts. Ok, technically they are legumes. But, is there any more perfect combination than peanut butter and chocolate? Nutella’s monopoly on the choco-nut spread market is mind-boggling.
And what about health benefits? Almonds are the healthiest nut by far, followed by Brazil nuts and cashews...hazelnuts roll in at number five. Almonds pack a punch loaded with protein, fibre, healthy fat, vitamin E, magnesium, zinc, iron, and folate; they reduce cholesterol, support heart health, and are antioxidants.
Hazelnuts’ number one attribute is that they “support bowel movements,” followed by “improve sperm count.”
I love a good conspiracy theory and now that I re-read that it makes perfect sense…hazelnuts are the nut of the patriarchy!
A friend recently suggested that I might have a gene that makes me predisposed to hate hazelnuts, like some people have with cilantro. I’m not buying it. I simply abhor the over-hazelnutification of our food system.
Fun fact, almonds are the most consumed tree nut in the world, with walnuts and cashews coming at numbers two and three. According to the World Atlas, Hazelnuts don’t show up on the list until a distant number five!
How is it then that they are everywhere? When did the hazelnut lobby become so powerful? Are there backroom deals conducted over hazelnut lattes and Nutella toast to suppress the other nuts?
As I dunk my almond-studded biscotti into my almond milk latte it occurs to me that I need a campaign to ditch hazelnuts from menus and bring back almonds. I picture banners, pins, and hats with the slogan “Fight the Patriarchy Go Nuts for Almonds!”
Team Almond all the way!